Fights, screaming, name calling, dysfunction, abuse...what a fucking nightmare! Your drunk again, coming home to hug me and tell me you love me. The words you speak when your drinking.
I'm being a smart ass and give dad a hug and am embarrassed because I know the reality. We don't really show affection in our family! It's just a front you like others to see. Behind those fucking walls, it feels like a living hell you know!
Thirteen years old, I jumped out my bedroom window. I couldn't take this shit no more. Two black eyes, choke marks, because of your drunk ass.
It was a great summer. I was allowed to hang out with friends. We went to the lake and listened to music. We'd walk around town and go catch a movie. The bar-b-ques were fun and so was playing frisbee in the park. It was fun to be a child that summer!
Then I cried to go back...because I LOVE...UNCONDITIONALLY.
Just yesterday you
have the audacity to send me an email because you want to know what my last name
is on my checking account so you can give me a graduation gift. I told you I don't want or need anything. My degree is my gift.
I know what I needed, she couldn't give me. She never will, she is too ill.
I tell you my new married name that I have had for almost two years now, then you have to add your
bullshit. "...whatever
your name is don't matter. We know the laws in Maine. And I don't need
you to get upset about this. There is enough stress everywhere these days. You
know you are my daughter, and I do love you, that will never change.
Mom"
This is the same woman who fought with her sister ten years ago because her sister turned her back on her son because he was gay. He was dying of aids!
I feel the pain, as I did when I was a child. I shouldn't engage, it's not my shit, It's hers. Yet again, I fall and reply, "It matters to me, very much so. I am who I am. Really? Than why do you say those things? <to her not needing me to get upset> Just because Maine doesn't RECOGNIZE it, doesn't meanit's not real. Accept it, everyone else has. Many create their own.<stress>"
When I was little you said you loved me. Now I KNOW what you meant.
*(Couldn't get the font to be the same for some reason. Quotes were copied from actual email.)
You're on a tightrope with this one; on the one hand, you need to distance the reader. The quotations, the flashbacks, the inner monologue, the address to the absent other accomplishes the distancing.
ReplyDeleteBut on the other hand, you need to make sure that the writing doesn't descend into mere self-therapy, something that exists for your own needs at the reader's expense or that simply ignores the reader.
Obviously, I wouldn't be writing this if I weren't debating with myself whether you do or don't slip off the tightrope.
I'm not sure. What do you think?
I see your point. Rest assured, this was not written for self-therapy purposes. It was simply what came to mind with the prompt. Sometimes it's difficult for me to relate to prompts and some of the assignments have been a bit tricky for me because of writing styles I have not used before. I'm trying...
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ReplyDeleteTricky is good, unfamiliar is good, difficult is good--and trying is good.
ReplyDelete